The Artificial Products Exchange
Featuring many amazing artificial products "For when the real thing just won't do"
by Peter Joyes

The true start of the whole idea of Artificial Products as a source of humor came from my first wife, Anne. I spilled some orange juice and some of it fell on her shiny black shoes. In her anger she screamed at me "these shoes are made of real patent leather!."  When she worked as a beautician in Bentalls Department store in Kingston, her supervisor had issued instructions to all the women who worked in LHD (Ladies Hairdressing): "You are not allowed to wear shiny black shoes lest your underwear is visible by reflection." She was not allowed to wear patent leather shoes at work.

The Artificial Products Exchange was started in 1984 when I opened a small store in the Post Alley section of the Pike Street Market in Seattle. The store was in a very old dusty building which had been used as a hardware store in the goldrush days. Up the creaky stairs in the top floors was an assortment of the strangest antique equipment and tools I had ever seen. Left over from inventory for miners bent on reaching the gold fields in Alaska. It was a fantasy place, smelling of old adventures and dreams. Just like the huge loft in the warehouse I played in as a boy behind my Dad's store in Grays. A fertile ground for my wandering imagination.

Some of these products are available for purchase (email enquiries to info@peterjoyes.com)
 

Banana Enhanca

Eliminates the unsightly brown spots on ripe bananas. As soon as your bananas start to develop brown spots, just apply a small dab of this banana colored yellow paint, and your bananas will look just like new.  This is optical enhancement only. The fruit is not affected in any way. The technology comes from Albany NY where you used to be able to get bananas from the ALBANYNYBANANACABANA.

Artificial Ingredients
Add flavor and zest to bland tasting health foods. Made in the USA of Pure 100% polystyrene, these genuine artificial ingredients look very similar to real artificial ingredients, but without any long chemical names. Provides your minimum daily
 requirement of imitation pesticides and additives. Not biodegradable, last forever. 

 

Artificial Dark
 The package contains enough Artificial Dark to keep some of the people in the dark for
some of the time, but if you want to keep all the people in the dark for a longer time, you'll need our politician size. If you slowly open the package outdoors in the late evening, the entire sky becomes dark with little tiny twinkling dots of light which are included at no extra charge.  Provides an experience very similar to closing your eyes.  Mariners appreciate the use of Artificial Dark in lighthouses in the daytime to prevent shipwrecks.

 

 

NOW

 

 

 

Artificial NOW
This is the higher quality "HEREAND" NOW recommended by patient and aware meditators.  A jolting pertinent gift for people who dwell in the past or the future. This is the HERE AND NOW moment to relish, to treasure, to pay attention to. To realize the full benefits of NOW, it is necessary to focus your attention on what is happening this moment, right NOW, Repeated use reveals what is truly important. Easy instructions included.

LET US SPRAY!

 

Let Us Spray
Aerosol Spray Intrusive Thought Repellent
and Genuine Artificial Fresh Air in a can

Featuring two versions of this new product "Let us spray!"  The first is a bulk tank containing a secret ingredient which I call
 "Intrusive Thought Repellent" It allows you to treat an entire Auditorium, Church or
Lecture Hall to prevent doubt or disbelief from happening to any member of the audience.
The second product is equally valuable - Artificial Fresh air in an aerosol can.
Very similar to what you might find in Nature, but with added pesticide residue and chemical pollutants
not usually found in the great outdoors. You can see detailed descriptions on a two page .PDF file here(1) and here(2)

 

Artificial Plant Food for Artificial Plants

Provides protection against the rampant growth of vinyl. Take care of your plastic and silk flowers (and shiny plastic bowl fruit) with no mess, no cutting or pruning, no watering, and none of the work associated with gardening. You don't have to wear any ill fitting gloves, or carry one of those awkward baskets to put the weeds in.

Also, to come: Artificial Attention, Artificial Perspective, Artificial Perspiration, and more. Suggestions and comments welcome. (info@peterjoyes.com)

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